The Christian tradition is ripe with stories of spiritual friendship for the ages: John of the Cross and Teresa of 脕vila, Francis and Clare of Assisi, Dorothy Day and Peter Maurin, Jesus and Mary Magdalene. In fact, the Jesuits began not as a formal institution but a group of university friends studying together in Paris in the sixteenth century. Ignatius of Loyola and his first companions鈥攕uch as Francis Xavier and Peter Faber鈥攐ften described themselves as 鈥渇riends in the Lord.鈥�
Their deep friendships shaped their vision and gave them courage to dream about how they might serve God in the world. From that circle of first companions eventually grew the global Jesuit network of over 3,700 schools, colleges, and universities.
It is remarkable to realize how much of the Church鈥檚 history has been shaped by friendships grounded in faith. In today鈥檚 digital age, there are constant distractions and competing interests for our attention. It is tempting to underestimate the simple gift of spiritual friendship and its impact on a faith that is relational.
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The Courage to Ask
Spiritual friendship requires courage. In fact, many people hesitate to talk about faith with others. I certainly did when I was younger. Faith mattered deeply to me, butI worried about how others might perceive this. I feared people would project certain beliefs onto me that I didn鈥檛 hold. I feared they might think I was na茂ve or overly serious. One memory from college captures this tension.
I had a friend whose creativity and originality fascinated me. Our conversations were always interesting, but we had never spoken explicitly about faith. Eventually, I gathered the courage to ask him鈥攔ather awkwardly鈥斺�淪o鈥hat do you think about God?鈥�
He paused for a long time, staring into the distance. I thought the question had fallen flat. Then his face lit up. 鈥淚鈥檓 still figuring out what I think about God,鈥� he said, 鈥渂ut I like to imagine God as a chef. We鈥檙e the ingredients, and God keeps creating new things through us all the time.鈥�
What followed was one of the most imaginative reflections on the divine I had ever heard. It revealed a whole dimension of this friend that I would never have known if I didn鈥檛 conjure up the courage to ask.
Spiritual friendship invites that kind of discovery. It allows us to see depths in one another that ordinary conversation rarely uncovers. It is not simply friendship between people who happen to be religious. It is a relationship in which people intentionally help one another notice where God is moving in their lives. These friendships purposely make room for conversations听about meaning, faith, doubt, hope, suffering, and love鈥攓uestions that shape the deepest contours of our lives.
Friendship as a Place of Grace
About five years ago, several students kept telling me that I should meet someone named Doc. They would say things like, 鈥淵ou two listen to students in similar ways,鈥� or 鈥淵ou talk about God in a way that reminds me of one another.鈥� Apparently, they were telling Doc the same thing about me.
For a long time, nothing came of it. Eventually, I invited him to an event I thought he might enjoy based on what I heard about him. He responded warmly and suggested we grab a coffee as well.
That first conversation was wonderful. I could immediately see why students thought we might connect despite being over 30 years apart in age. After that, we started meeting about once a month. Five years later, the rhythm of a monthly coffee continues.
What strikes me most about our conversations is how little time we spend on small talk. Instead, we talk about the moments when we glimpse something sacred in the people or places around us. We recount when we witness courage, humility, forgiveness, or solidarity in the face of injustice. We love to notice the quiet beauty of people who keep showing up for life even while carrying immense grief. We laugh at how our egos get in the way of our best intentions. We marvel at the beauty of the natural world and express gratitude for the unique particularities of our loved ones. To us, this is the Spirit at work in the world.
Reflecting on such moments together grounds me. It reminds me to pay attention to grace. The way our first meeting came about also points to the importance of taking initiative. Notice how I reached out to Doc to invite him to an event and then he responded in turn by suggesting we get coffee. We also commit to meeting once a month despite the busyness of life as well as the twists and turns of inevitable yet unexpected life events. Spiritual friendship won鈥檛 likely just 鈥渉appen鈥� to you.
...A relationship in which people intentionally help one another notice where God is moving in their lives.
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Seeing Beyond Ourselves
Spiritual friends also offer something else we cannot easily give ourselves: perspective. Each one of us has blind spots evident to those close to us but difficult to see on our own.
Not long ago, I was sharing with Doc about someone whose actions had hurt me. I appreciated the space to express that pain; however, he did not let me remain stuck there. He gently reminded me that my relationship with that person was larger than this one hurtful action. Because he had heard me speak about the person for years, he was able to remind me of the bigger picture ofthat relationship.
More importantly, his words helped remind me of the kind of person I want to be, regardless of how anyone else behaves. 鈥淔riends in the Lord鈥� can bring you back to who you want to be based upon your convictions, values, and relationship with God.
We all need people like that鈥攆riends who point us toward an ever-expanding horizon.
Savoring Life
Perhaps the most beautiful gift of spiritual friendship is the opportunity to savor life together. When I speak with students, I often encourage them to think of life as a journey rather than a treadmill. It is easy to move through our days checking off tasks without noticing the gifts from God all around us.
Spiritual friends help us slow down. Shared moments become experiences of grace rather than a happy memory that quickly fades. Spiritual friends help us feast on the lives God has given us.
An Invitation for the Church Today
In The Joy of the Gospel, Pope Francis writes that sharing faith is not only about the transmitting of ideas but also the sharing of life and friendship rooted in God. Such friendship is supported by companions who help us notice God鈥檚 presence in our ordinary lives.
Spiritual friendship does not require elaborate structures. It begins simply: an invitation for coffee, a walk, a conversation that moves beyond surface-level updates. It requires initiative, intentionality, and vulnerability.
But its impact can be profound.
After all, the heart of Christianity is the astonishing claim that God desires friendship with us.
Emily Egan is associate director of Campus Ministry in the Division of Mission and Ministry at Boston College.
